On a scale of 1 to BadAss

Well Aloha and welcome again. As was stated in my last post, we do have new writers and categories. This category is titled “Cool Stories of our lives” and is solely run by @TheGreyGenesis. I don’t think he needs any introduction as you must have read his debut post www.sirkastiq.wordpress.com/coolstory  I’m just here to do this intro and won’t be in your face any further, Hopefully, this section should be up on sundays so look out for that… yeah, over to you Grey…

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In the Name of Your Individual Village Juju(s) I Greet & Welcome you. Please take your Seats \_ \_ \_.

For the Celebs taking time out of their Questionable Schedules to Waste their respective IQs reading something written by me? —–> _-/ _-/ _-/ … Hope the Armrests are Comfy And For The Abnormalities & Whatnots also reading (like @Sirkastiq, @Cumical and Co.) Here —–> _ _ _ _ _ Those are Newspapers.

Everyone Seated? Okay.

I decided to talk about something Different today. While Picking Beans the other day, I remembered a Scene from the Movie ‘Xmen: The Last Stand’ where Jean’s inner evil spirit had taken Over & was chopping everybody’s individual Daddys’ Asses as if it was Yam & Egg Sauce. And Wolverine kept going towards her, Yea though his skin was Peeling off with each step until he Chooked that Bitch some Adamantium Akpako. And I thought to myself.

Me: Self?

Self: Kilonpop?

Me: Cocopops

Self: -__-

Me: Forgive me. I Can’t help it. Anyways, if we had to rate Hugh Jackman as Wolverine on a Scale of 1 to BadAss, what will we Score that Hairy FotherMucker?

Me & Self (together): 9 Over BadAss!!! ^_^

Oh? Not him? shit! *rummages through pictures*

So I stopped the Bean Picking and decided to write about Those Kick Ass Characters in Movies and what their Ratings should be on a Scale of 1 to BadAss. (At this Point, if you’re Not into Movies N’shit, And you have Brain Fluid … Shey you know you should stop reading & Go and be Great somewhere else Ba?)  Toh.

So, Let me start with the Grand Popc of the “Daddy be a Bottle of Zobo” Movies. Uncle Jet Li. You CANNOT watch a Jet Li movie without thinking at one point or the Other “Don’t Fucking Piss Me Off!” How that Chinese Niggur Gonn’ wear Pure white & Beat the Yesterday Out the Tomorrow of an ENTIRE VILLAGE OF GROWN ASS ADULT NINJAS Without Getting a Single Stain? o_O Specifically speaking tho, let’s Rate Jet on his Character’s Performance in the Movie “The One”(The Bad Guy Jet li). On a Scale of 1 to BadAss? —-? 7. It should be a 5 self because of all those Zobo they tried to feed us. (??? )

STOP THE WASH. I USE OMO..

Moving On. Gerard Butler as Leonydas in ’300′. O God! I won’t say much except to say Unto ye, On a scale of 1 to Gerard Butler as Leonydas? —-? BADASS!!! \(???)/

Is that why you’re now shouting?

ok that explains it…

Then we have Brad Pitt as Troy —-? 2. (?_?) I Do Not remember any part of the Movie apart from where he Jumped & Stabbed some Hobo in the Neck. Judge Me.

Kate Beckinsale as the Death-dealing vampire Selene and her tight, tight, TIGHT Leather pants in Underworld *Stops typing and looks towards Vaseline on cabinet Continues Picking Beans* Ehen… Her. On a Scale of 1 to Bad Ass? 9.999999999 Over Bad Ass (?_?)

You can suck my blood all day err’day mami..

Then let’s talk about Keanu Reeves as Neo in Matrix. Neo as a Character was a little bit of a Baby Piglet Considering all those Powers he Had. Imagine if Hugh Jackman AS Wolverine had been THE CHOSEN ONE in The MATRIX? OJIBIJIBIJIBI!!! (//_\\) I would Pay to watch THAT movie with my neighbour’s left Pinkie Finger -if that’s what they say I should bring in Silverbird (._. ) … I give Neo a 5. Just because. But Hugo Weaving as Agent Smith in The Matrix On the Other Hand??? THAT’S WHY WE PAY TO WATCH MOVIES RIGHT THURR! He Gets a Solid 9! His Speech in ‘Matrix Revolutions’, when Neo just wouldn’t lie down & Die like a Well Brought up Child of God, nearly made me Weep. That Speech > Aragon’s Speech in Lord of the Rings > All Obama’s Speeches > Wizkid’s Music (?_?)

Please tell him….

And Speaking of Bad Asses in Lord of the Rings? Can I hear a “Lego”? Give me that “Las”! LEGOLAS!!! The Elf that will Lead us on the day of the Rapture. (^_^) Orlando Bloom as Legolas = 7 Optimus Prime = 9. Please Don’t Argue. I Know where you live. I don’t like beating people & their parents while they sleep. Let it Go. Please. Thank you

And speaking of Transforming Machines & the Diesel that makes ‘em Fast and Furious, Let’s Just all Hold hands and Give the Brother Vin Diesel a 9 for his Performance as Riddick in Pitch Black. Too AWESOME!

I’m sexy and i know it…

And Not Forgetting the Best Actor to Ever Portray the Martini Sipping-Hot Chicks Astraffing-Gun Toting Agent 007, Pierce Brosnan. A 6 for his Bad Ass delivery in Tomorrow never dies. And I Have to Mention Gerard Butler Again for his Role in ‘Law Abiding Citizen’. THAT … Was an Epic Bad Ass of a Character. Can you imagine someone telling you he’ll Kill ALL your friends? And you lock him in Jail and sit watching him in the Jail? And without leaving your Presence, ELIMINATES ALL your Friends? :O Naah Fam. He deserves a 9 for that Shii

Words on Point

Rooney Mara in ‘The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo’ … *Starts Picking Beans* * * * Wesley Snipes as ‘Blade’. —-? 7 Heath Ledger as the Joker in Dark Knight Gets a 9. Too Too Insane. Then I would rather Call Jack Black as Po in “Kungfu Panda” a Bad Ass than Give Matt Damon any Credit for being a Kick Ass for Pleasure type ‘a Nigga for his Portrayal of Jason Bourne in the Bourne Saga.

Now look at People like Jason Statham. Like I can’t even take them seriously. That Dude looks like a wealthy Soccer Player. What he doing trying to steal cars and Attempting Karate? Is it not the Same God that Created Beckham that Created him? What’s his Problem then? O_o

Idris Elba as The Guardian in ‘Thor’ —-? 5 Kiefer sutherland As Jack Bauer? QXZP&GDJBXZQ%GPKXPQZXY!!!!!!!! NO ONE MAN CAN BE SO JACK BAUER! Badass Over Badass On Badass. Jack Bauer CAN Beat your Daddy. And Mine too. Again, Do Not Argue -_-

Tea Bag from Prison Break? That’s another Basket Case Coconut Hardened Criminal Character. For his Portrayal —-? 8 Alan Rickman as Severus Snape in Harry Potter … THIS DUDE Petrified me More than Voldemort. Well, Almost. He gets a 7.

Steven Segal is Just NOT okay. Which movie do I want to begin Citing? Segal in any Movie? The Bad Guy OR Good Guy (whoever is against Him) Must be Knacked the Akpako of Broken Bones and Confusion. 9 And Last but not the Least (For Grey is Tired & This is Not a Novel Gaddemit) The One… The Only… Let me Give you a Clue about the Most Dangerous, Most Legendary, Most Zoboless Bad Ass Second to None (well, maybe Second to Jackie Chan) According to You People, This Bad ass walked into a Mr Biggs and Ordered for Chicken From SFC… AND THEY BROUGHT IT TO HIM. This Bad Ass Was involved in a Knife Fight with a Knife… AND THE KNIFE LOST. Ladies And Gentlemen And Other Things Unmentionable @Sirkastiq and @Cumical … I present to you the Bad Ass of Our Time with a Rating of WORSTASS over BADASS … CHUCK NORRIS (^?^)

No shit..

Kardashian Influenced behavior… smh

Now Go Away. *Continues Picking Beans*

What to Write?

This is a RANT…

I’ve been staring at this laptop screen for the past 45mins trying to think up something to write. The kind of guilty conscience that is catching me because I haven’t written in a while is all sorts of epic. I mean I’m not getting paid on here so why am I even feeling this way? Oh! It must be because I love you guys so much and I want to, in my own little way, put smiles on your otherwise scrawny faces. Awwww…Have you ever wondered why these bloggers think its necessary to give some sort of explanation when they haven’t written in a while? Like they really think you guys care or even notice their absence. HaHa! they start saying stupid shit like “i’m experiencing writers bloc..” BOLLOCKS!!! Me i don’t care whether i write once a month or not at all, when i’m not TheToolsMan or that weirdo kid. Infact, who cares about blogging?

*shuts down laptop*

*45 mins later*

Question of life…

I still don’t have any particular topic to write on. I mean I could come on here and wow you guys with my relationship depth and all that (ignore the fact that I’m the guy who has had unsuccessful relationships).Wait, this doesn’t mean I suck at them, it’s just that I haven’t met the ‘ONE.’ Allow me to say if you are one of those that are waiting for ‘the one,’ you are on a very long thing. I mean, why on earth will you limit yourself to searching out one person when you can have the pleasure of testing out variations. Even science advocates for ‘research’ before a final product is produced. Therefore, do not … Look if you are actually taking me and the gibberish i’m spewing serious, then you are as confused as a *insert appropriate metaphor here*. Did you miss the line of me being the “guy who has had the unsuccessful relationships?”

What? Ugwu isn’t really cheap ya know…

I could also come out here and tongue-lash all you women that be putting us brothers in various zones. Yes, I know I’ve written about that. Are you ok? Isn’t that why I say I don’t know what to write about? Yeah as I was, most of you ladies here be enjoying the attention that these dudes be giving you, enjoying seeing your pictures on their DP’s and seeing corny ass status messages directed at you, you enjoy the subs and leaky messages on Twitter but agree for the dude now, wahala. Let me tell you, the lord is watching you. Be steady depositing brothers in friend zones, brother zones, he-sends-me-credit-zone, study partner zone, In-case-of-emergency zone, driver zone and the one that can pain, I’ll-always-cry-on-your-shoulder zone.

Haha! Him don catch you abi?

We are in the month of May and our friends from ‘the abroad’ have started coming back for ‘summer’ hols. Even though we do not have summer in this our country, who cares? Naij cannot carry last. You might be expecting that I’ll come here and start giving you tips on how to set that P but trust me, if you don’t know how to do that already, you should go find ground, dig a hole and place your head in it. I’m not even kidding. But because I have friends in high (blog) places, I have it on good authority that you’ll have another lecture on setting P coming soon to you. Just do well to stalk that Panda dude in the coming weeks. Registration for the classes start in earnest. Here’s how to register:

1. Go to www.twitter.com. 2. Search out the handle @Sirkastiq. 3. Follow the handle and DO NOT ASK for a follow back. 4. For those already following, skip to step 5. 5. Tweet the following “i am now following your sexiness, #SummerP101″  (PS:) For sexy girls alone, you shall be automatically followed if you ARE THE ONE in your avatar 6. DM your BB pin and await further personal details

Please Males should stop at step 3.

Coming soon…in 3D

You probably expect that I might mention some things regarding the Nigerian entertainment scene and the recent brouhaha emanating from the D’banj/DonJazzy camps, the recent Mode 9/Muna mic bust up and stuff but…haven’t you guys murdered all that on Twitter already, why would I make you click a blog link, only to give you a revised edition of what went down? You know the thing yeah, I couldn’t be arsed that Muna disrespected Mode 9 or that Modo (the most successful Nigerian rapper after MI, Ice Prince, NaetoC, D’prince, Wizkid, Basket mouth and Vic O) was childish in his display. What?! You question Wizkid and D’prince rap-ability? Have you no ears? Do you use ‘em to listen or to hear? *pause* This is a deep line. Read it again. And what do you mean Vic O is not a rap legend? Why evils yo? do you know the crowd that nigga pulls in italy and Europe? don’t even trip. Homie does more shows in a month than Uncle Modey does in a …yea what? come and beat me now. Yes i’m running my mouth (or keyboard as the case really is), If it’s paining you, you know what…

pass it mehnnn….

Moving On, not like i know where i’m moving too since i still don’t know what it is i intend to blog about today, sorry tonight. see its already 10:06pm by my laptop time. i started this post at 9:34am, here we are 12hours later and without much headway. Oh yes, i think i’ve got it! Should i write about the epic end to the soccer season that saw Manchester City clinch the title with almost the last kick of the ball? Kai Man Utd fans, NO LIE, E DEY PAIN!!! As in you know when you ask “whats the worst that could happen?” The football god actually desired to kill Alex ferguson with a heart attack but the stubborn Scot just refused to go. Losing the title in 2 minutes was the last play of the game book and Alex Ferguson mastered that.

Written by the Sir himself…

Anyway, seeing as i still i’m not sure what i wanna blog about today, alllow me state that we now have some in-house writers that are going to be residing here on TSC. y’all are probably already familiar with TheGreyGenesis, he’s going to be manning the “cool stories of Life” section, i’ll keep the other under wraps for now but the category will most likely be called ‘vanity’ uh-huh, yeah.  So um, till i actually have something to write on here, i’ll see you guys. Oh below is TheGreyGenesis, just incase you run into ‘it’ in real life or dream-ville

our new recruit…

Sirkastiq out yo…

Cool Story

Why hello good people and bienvenué to TSC. Today I’m just gonna go straight into it, we’ve got a guest post from a cool dude, cool because he tells the coolest stories around. Like his stories always get me in stitches. I was privileged to read one such on my TL and i had to snap him up sharply like Sir Alex did Chicharito. I’ll step aside and let you enjoy this piece by @TheGreyGenesis … See you on the other side
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I wondered & wondered which of the ‘Jesus Take me Away’ experiences that Constitutes my small life so Far I wanted to share with you people today.

I was Picking beans last Thursday night when It Occurred to me that I had only told a few people One of the Most Humbling & Humiliating experiences of my entire Secondary School Life. Today, i shall share it with you. Stay Tuned.

P.S .. The expression “Picking Beans” in my head is ALWAYS a Euphemism for anything I’m doing at some moment which I Would not in a 1000 years admit to. Anything Except, of course, Actually Picking Honest-to-God Beans (Who does that right?) (-_-)

Anyway, I had just resumed & Started (my Journey towards Mordor) Jss 1 as a Boarding Student & I was Small. Without Common sense. And Over indulged.

The WORST Combination.

Get my drift?

For you see, the parents thought they had paid School Fees to the F.G.C for my betterment. They Obviously must not have seen the part on the Brochure that said, welcome to the Wild. Actually, the WILD is a humane thing to nickname my Alma mater … You’ll soon understand why. Let me introduce, at this Point, a Young lad named Emenike. The Misfortune that later came to befall Emenike, through no fault of his, was as a result of us having been neighbors back home. When I got admission, my Pops and the Pops of Emenike got together & decided that Since Emenike was an SS 1 student at the time, he would look out for me. Sort of like a School Father. Emenike Agreed. Poor Emenike :’)

Yeah, you still get my drift yeah?

Anyways, It was on one Bright Saturday afternoon like that. I had finally stopped crying over each new Horror my eyes had been made to see for the first 3 weeks of my inception into the hostel. Before that year, I had never seen a Human being connect a Leather Belt to the Bare back of another Human being. Nor, did I believe it could happen. I didn’t even believe the ones I had been seeing in Movies were real. By God who made me, They were Real. This I came to witness. :’) 3 Weeks in though, I was not yet a Partaker (Recipient) of the horror. Merely a witness :’) This Particular Saturday Changed EVERYTHING.(//_\\) So there I was, crying about one thing or the other I had witnessed & Generally feeling like Shit when this Bastard baby Senior dropped an empty Bucket in front of me. I peered at him through tear filled eyes. “Can I help you?” I asked. “Go & Fetch me Water.” He Said. I was like o_O ??? … He was like O_o !!!

My purely innocent look

Bastard Senior’s look…-__-

I ran away. I Felt thirsty, so I went to the Manual pumping Borehole. There was a Senior there pumping the lever while water slushed into his bucket. A Gorilla of a Boy. The fists he was Pumping the lever with were like Twice the size of my then small head. EACH. Did I tell you I had no Common sense whatsoever back then? Did you believe me? No? Okay. Here’s what I did next. (⌣_⌣) I dipped my hand beneath the Tap, lowered my mouth & Drank the water from my hand, letting the remnant from my mouth trickle into the bucket. I should have known something was Wrong when I heard the Creaky lever Stop pumping. I wanted to ask the Senior why he had stopped pumping for me to drink. And Dearly beloved, Just as I raised my face to ask whatsup?

TOZA! TOZA!

Pictorial representation of “the TOZA!”

I wanted to DIE! The Pain! O My God, the Pain! BLOOD OF JEHOSHAPHAT The two Slaps Sounded like Simultaneous Gunshots On a Beats By Dre headphone at the Loudest Volume. My face felt like it had been erased. For almost a minute I could not See at all. I could not Smell. I could only hear this high pitched “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN” When I realized I hadn’t died afterall, I took one Looooong look of Disbelief at the Senior. “You Slapped Me?” My Rapidly Swelling lips quivered as I asked. I NEEDED TO BE SURE He took another step towards me & raised his Arm to reaffirm my Suspicion with another one. I suddenly got it. Quick as Lightning I jumped away & Started running towards the Hostel.

Need i say more?

On my way I met the First senior that had sent me to fetch him water. Apparently he could find no Juniors so he was headed to the Borehole by himself. “Come here! Your Father! You ran away ba?” I didn’t even answer him. Just kept running towards the Hostel. Towards Someone to Avenge me. Towards Poor, Poor Emenike :’) That’s how I cried & Cried & Reported the idiot to Emenike. Emenike bristled with Anger and Started storming with me in tow from the hostel to the borehole. All along Emenike thought it was my mate that did that to me :’) The Gorilla Boy was still there at the Borehole. So was the other senior.

I pointed at them. “That one is the one that Slapped me. That other one wanted to Send me to fetch him water.” I Reported I watched as the Blood drain from Emenike’s Light skinned small Calabar face as he suddenly started to put 2 & 2 Together. “And you came to Report THEM to ME???” He Squealed Gorilla Boy laughed and jumped down. His Lacoste Belt was already swinging as he Ordered Emenike, the School Father, to first Lie down Flat on the Muddy earth. The other Senior Came down from the borehole too, belt in hand. As they Beat the Facked up Shit out of the Howling Emenike, it occurred to me that My School Father was MERELY an SS 1 Student sha. It never Occurred to me that these People were SS3 Students (O_O) Then they made me lie down beside my SS1 School Father. \\ ( -̩̩̩͡˛-̩̩̩͡ ) //

Erm…but you know this isn’t the real thing yeah?

That, Dear Reader, is the Story of How I first realized that Sinzu is Sinzu. I still have Marks till this Day, from that Beating. :’(

Till Today, Emenike & his Family never again Spoke to Me … Nor My Family :’)

*Continues Picking Beans*

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See why I didn’t say much? Dammy is a special person and his stories are just…its the way he tells it, Brilliant stuff. I’m guessing we’ll be having more of him on TSC. Alright till later yo…Look out for my guest appearances on blogs close to you.

Zoned

*singing* “Been long you saw me, dem say everybody look for me…*chops chops mouth….for those wey no love me, don’t expect me to say sorry, something something something somethiiing..” Yeah i’m sure you catch my drift. It’s been a while huh? i know right? what do you want, a hug? Awww, tell me how much you’ve missed me and i just might do an upgrade and oblige you with a squishy, breast flattening one (girls only please). Anyway, its good to have something to write again, lets jump in shall we?

*insert jump here*

It has been a very eventful past week(s) for me and today we are going to be learning something that affects us all. it’s a phenomena that scientists worldwide have been studying and have finally succeeded in solving. it’s a disease that is no respecter of persons as it affects both the old and young.Ladies, Gentlemen and Tunde Ednut, i’m honored to have been  part of the scientists that have found a cure to this menace, the number one killer of men and women: THE FRIEND ZONE.

DISCLAIMER: Before your sorry asses point fingers and throw stones at me, i must inform you that this post is a result of carefully conducted “research” The content emanates from the findings of other ‘scientists’ and this here blog serves as the confluence of the results I know that awon omo jati jati are looking for the next plagiarist to impale. it shan’t be me *puts hand to mouth and does the whatever-it-is-bush-people-do-when-they-put-hand-to-mouth*

Now we shall proceed.

Like all cases, it is necessary that we dig deep to unravel the mysterious history of the friend zone, before that however, for the unlearned in our midst (i wonder what you’re finding here by the way), i shall give a definiton or two of the friend zone. According to Wikipedia, the “friend zone” refers to a platonic relationship where one person wishes to enter into a romantic relationship while the other does not. It is generally considered to be an undesirable situation by the lovelorn person. In simple parlance, quoting the revered Mother Theresa, “The Friend zone is that shitty place where the girl you like, for some unknown dumb reason sees you as a brother rather than the guy that should be giving her a good shag on the regular”

Does that illuminate your understanding now, lamp?

Now that we have defined it, let’s dig deep into the anals of history and find out who started this menace that we have faced at one time of the other. Let me take you way back to 1994 where it all started. yes 1994, on that favorite sit-com we all love; “Friends” That’s where the friend zone was born. Remember Ross,and Rachel? The buggers. It is safe to say that the originator of this God-forbid zone is Ross. *minute of silence please*

and thus, a monster was created.

Anyway, Are you in the friend zone? has that girl repeatedly told you “i want a guy just like you,” Are you tired of being the one she asks to go with her to the loo when she wants to pee? Are you tired of the way she tells you all the boys that hit on her? DO YOU WANT EMANCIPATION FROM THIS SLAVERY? If your answers to these questions is “yes” then welcome to your liberation center for the time of your deliverance is NOW! Turn to your neighbor and…look at their cleavage? No? ok. lets move on…

Before we proceed though, it shall be unsafe to assume that some of you even understand the zone you’re in. How are you sure she likes you at all sef? Lets make some things clear and set things straight. Now, these don’t necessarily mean she’s so much into you but at least, it’s a good sign that things could proceed out of the friend zone. 1. She’s laughing at your jokes even when they aren’t funny (i’m sure Terdoo will understand this very easily) just don’t confuse a “get me out of here giggle for OMG!!! you’re slaying me! 2. She tells you to take a sip of her drink…this kinda means “i am comfortable with you on a more intimate level” OR she feels there’s some poison in the drink so yeah…3. She asks you if you have a girlfriend or pries for the information…when a woman is around a guy she is attracted to, she will ask if he has a girlfriend, she might not come out blunt but she will find a way around…4. She calls you a player…strange right? You would think that when she says this, she’s not interested. LIE! This is one of the counter-intuitive things that ladies do, we’ve been in the game long enough to know. When she says this, PLEASE do NOT try to defend yourself and say you aren’t, go on with the convo, smile and say something like “is it that obvious?” For her to say this, it means 2 things: She’s comfortable enough with you to make such an ‘accusation’ and two, she views you as the kinda guy that talks to a LOT of women. Winning!

Ok, now we have established that she might like you, lets help get you out of that friend zone shall we? You people don’t know the massive favor i’m doing you with this post. Summer approaches and you don’t wanna dull like i did last summer. sigh..Let me graphically attempt to help you understand the height of your problem

Shey you see that it's not BEANS!

Now the GOLDEN RULE: NEVER EVER EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS DIRECTLY. Don’t tell her you see her as more than a friend, no no no…i know you’ve wallowed in the pits of the friend zone but this is a major bitch ass move to make, infact, it spoils everything. So here’s what you do;

1. You don’t need her: Shut up! i know you do but don’t make it so obvious. Don’t be there always, don’t pick her call before it rings, heck! don’t give her a special ringtone or save her name as ‘angel’ no no no! The trick is to focus on yourself, be engulfed in projects, hobbies etc. This gives you a legitimate excuse to blow her off sometimes and “make it up to her” later. In this make up time, give her the time of her life and then, disappear again. just ensure that you aren’t at her beck and call. I know she has you on BBM, when she sends you a message, dont read it, just END CHAT. it won’t show as ‘R’ but as ‘D’ You can then tell her later that you were busy or something like that.

encourage yourself o...continue...mtscheew

2. You find her attractive BUT she has competition: When you get to be with her randomly, make sure you notice other girls and comment on their beauty or if you can’t tell whether they just walked out of photoshop, comment on something like tiher legs “damn, baby got legs for daysss!” Anything to make her a bit jealous, please dont ga’an compliment someone who isn’t all that o! This should be done in moderation sha. when she says something like “na wa 4u, you’re just an ashawo” This is a good time to say “relax babe, they still ain’t got nothing on you” DO NOT STARE in her eyes after saying this, just move the fuck along. AS.a.Bawse.

3. You have high standards: Talk about the things you desire in a woman and use them to qualify her. Don’t wait for her to start telling you her preferences. put her on the back foot. Yes brag a bit. tell her you could hook up with any girl but you’re yet to find the one with *insert your preferences here* She will most likely tell you what she likes as well, this makes for good convo as you can pick up some points. PLEASE DO NOT SAY “like me shey?” This statement disgusts them more than the love letters they get in their facebook inbox

4.You are a sexual being: Yes. Talk about sex..here’s how. you can talk of the things you would love to experiment, the styles you like/know etc..while talking about this, watch her reaction carefully, if she seems uncomfortable, this is a major RED FLAG. you should stop. if she giggles shyly, BINGO! Go on for a bit and tell her “its not  fair, i’m giving you all my info and you ain’t saying anything. oya talk jor” Make the mood as light as possible. Warning: Don’t talk about sex too much before you look like a perv. Moderation is the key

5. Break the touch barrier: Now this is quite risky. it requires lots of tact. the problem is that most of us Nigerian guys dont pay attention. There are certain moods and scenarios that play out but because we are so myopic, we miss them. Touch is a very sensual thing and can change your status from Mr Friend zone to Mr Boyfriend if applied right. Some of you think that kissing is the next step when with a girl, nah you idiots. have you held her hand? I’m not talking of while you’re crossing Ikorodu road o. You’re sitting and having a convo, comment on her jewelry (maybe a bracelet), take her hand in yours and fondle a bit. PLEASE A BIT O! not for like 10 mins, what are you a palm reader? if she instinctively pulls her hand back, don’t grab it or hold tighter, just let it go, the mood isn’t right. Touching someone communicates you find them attractive and you are confident.

If your friend is however used to cuddling with you and shii and you have been scarce like i said earlier, the cuddles will become more special and less routine. The less she sees you, the more meaning it has. this is why you must make sure you dont show yourself as needy. sometimes. when the cuddle is getting cosy, just all of a sudden remember that you have some business to attend to and leave (Pls NEVER say you have to go see some people or other friends, Make it strictly business not pleasure)

See, this thing is getting longer than i planned o. Basically sha, STOP BEING NEEDY. you really just need to relax, i know you like the girl die but your being around all the time isn’t making it better for you. For those of you who go on twitter and stalk the girl, Retweet her every tweet, LOL even when she’s not cracking jokes and run to her defense when she’s been ‘attacked’ online, nigga you need a chill pill. that shit don’t get you promoted, matter of fact it takes away cool points if you ever had any. Anyway, You know what they say “when you think your situation is bad, there’s someone who has it worse” There are some in the “mugu zone” but that’s gist for another day. And for the ladies wondering why this is tailored to just guys, it’s simple: There is no “friend zone” for ladies. I’m serious, if you think i’m lying, offer that guy your you-know-what and see whether he will dull. If he does, well, to every rule there’s an exception, BUT on this rule, its clear, he’s not straight.

I’ve said a lot BUT if my pointers don’t help, there’s a major short cut that you can take to help you jump out of the friend zone. WARNING: This should only be used when all else has failed, this short cut may not land you in the “relationship zone” but might promote you to the “friends with benefit” zone. its better atink?

The shortcut? ALCOHOL! Just get her stone drunk and then do the do erm…see picture for explanation.

So yeah, i’m kinda done. i know you guys know more about these things than i do. I’m a bawse sha, i really don’t know much about being friend zone. i stay residing in the “alone zone” Note how i didn’t add ‘forever.’ i can’t be cursing myself. so yeah, you might have insight into a particular zone and/or a testimony on how you got out, use the comment box and/or you may have questions. our in-house experts who really don’t give a shit about your issues will pretend to care and reply.

Till i come your way again, erm…

Dear God

You know, there comes a point in every man’s life where he pauses, takes a seat and reflects on certain things. If it hasn’t happened to you, you probably aren’t a man yet or you just have problems pausing to take a seat. Now i know TSC is a place where you come to just relax and probably read some hilarious stuff, Yup. That’s what it is, Nothing’s changed. What you are about to read is however one of those “i don’t know where this is heading but i’m just going to go with the flow posts”
Sit back, relax…oh! yeah, you may have a problem with sitting.

*assumes the religious position, kneels down, hands clasped, head raised to sky (ceiling fan actually)*

Dear God,

You know what? *rises to feet, sits on bed and places empty chair facing self* Lets just talk. Are you ok with that? Ok cool. So here’s the thing Lord, there’s so much on my mind i don’t even know where to begin. Of course i know you know what’s on my mind even before i think it, but here goes anyway. I think i speak for myself and a lot of people when I say i wonder the reason for my creation. Why am i here? A wise(?) man once said “you begin living the day you discover the why to your living” Well, i paraphrased that but i know you know that since you’re God and all so *shrug* So Lord, why? Why did you risk sending me to earth with all the temptations, sin and all. Why, when you know/knew that there is a possibility i’ll be lost forever and may not return. You believe in me that’s why? Haha! Do i look like Job? (ok don’t answer that) You know i can overcome the world like you did? Lord, are you kidding me? I know you have a wonderful sense of humour, i mean you once punished a man by making him pee continuously but overcome THIS world? Have you taken time to really observe all that is going on? Oh, my bad, you exist in eternity not time. Ok, is the earth still your footstool cos it seems to me like you’ve taken your foot off the pedal just a lil’ bit and we’ve run amok.

I’m sorry; i guess this isn’t the kinda prayers you’re used to. I know how it’s normally done, i ought to come with thanksgiving, ask for forgiveness, pray for the church, my pastor, his family, the church projects, my country. I know the modus operandi but can i just throw all that in the trash and just talk to The One who says He’s Father to me? Can i? Thank you.

Yes, i was talking about the pressures i face here. See mehn…sorry you aren’t a man. Lord have you seen earth as it is? I know your eyes are to Holy to behold sin and iniquity so this might mean you probably focus on other planets because ours is too much of a mess. In the short time i’ve been here, i’ve done a lot of things you definitely will not be proud of. I’m not proud of them either but mehn…sorry..it’s hard. The ladies are all so yum, if they existed with Eve, i don’t think she’d have cast Adam a glance. Sigh..Lets talk about the normal things like money. If my Father (you) are so rich and all, why do i have to come here and suffer? Jeez! (this isn’t a short form of your name, just putting it out there) You know, it’ll be easier for folks to see how well i’m doing, ask me what’s the secret and i can just say “Baba God noni” and actually mean it. Evangelism by attraction you know. Do things just have to be hard? I’m struggling to get a job, pay my bills, buy credit and yet MTN will still be stealing it. Which kain life?

*knock on the door*

You know what? Thats it jare..i give up on trying to walk right, whatever is laid out for me, Heaven o, Hell o…i shall carry my cross. That will be all. BYEEEE!

*friend walks in and i share with him my dilemma in the following poetic conversation*

“I look all around me and eventually above / And I end up wondering is there really a God?
The one they say made Heaven and Earth and everything in it/ The master of creation, who provides my every need?
They say He really loves me and He cares for me a lot/ But where was he the day my little brother was shot?
If Jesus really loves me, then why does He let me cry? And if He really cares for me, why did my brother die?
How can you talk of Jesus like He’ll ever forgive me/ He can’t ever want me, I’m such a bad person to love,
I’ve sinned and done such awful things and cursed the one above
This is my life and I do not intend to give it away, especially not to someone
In whose earth I’ll rot away”

Friend

“You say there is no God and your sweat gives your every need
If you want me to believe what you say, who’s the man that makes a seed?
You ask how you can worship someone you cannot see/ But miracles are everyday performed with you and me
And these are not the works of man but gifts from God above/ Believe- start with his miracles and you will find His love
How can jesus forgive me, you ask with a teary face/ How can I ever feel that I am a part of the human race?
Jesus died on the cross-for you and all mankind/ His love is truly great and He lives to redeem every mind
You say: Jesus can’t want me, I’m not one to love/ I’ve sinned and done such awful things and cursed the One above
Well let me say right here and now, He didn’t come for winners,
He came for people just like us- a multitude of sinners

*friend leaves after some light refreshments and I lie on the bed, the chair still positioned in front of me. Then I heard Him…*

“I’ve been here all the time/ I never went away
I watched you toss and turn/ And struggle everyday
I waited, listening for my name to break free from your lips
I looked to see your arms outstretched up to your fingertips
What makes you think I do not care? How can I turn away?
You are my child, I love you and this love grows more each day
So now come to me and let my arms surround/ Jesus is my name, forever we are bound”

“I feel so weak and helpless/ As I stand before your throne,
I feel so hurt, rejected and utterly alone
And yet I know from this time on, my life would turn out for good
For your love was poured out for me upon a cross of wood/ I know that if my strength should fail or I should turn to dust,
My Saviour, Lord, Redeemer/ In thee I place my trust
For man is just a tiny speck/A twinkling of your eye
But oh so precious always/ Loved more than stars of sky
To be a child of your sweet will is all I ask to be
And so within my weakness/ I give my life to thee”

It does feel good to know that I always find solace in your arms Lord and no matter how many times I’ve taken my life back from you, You are still willing to ‘receive’ it again. But before you go, there’s just one more issue.
You know how You said “the cattle upon a thousand hills are yours…” in other words (paraphrasing) Money ain’t a thang… erm..quick questions: “How long is a thousand years to you? God: like a minute, oh ok… How much is a billion dollars to you? God: like one naira. Oh wow!!! Erm…can I have a billion dollars? God: SURE! gimme a minute…”

Ok guys, I didn’t start off this post with this in mind, it just kinda swung this way, the poem is actually something I compiled for an Easter something, but somehow it fit in as the conversation went on. I hope all who’ve read enjoyed it as much as I did, if you didn’t, ah well…your cup of whatever you like to have in your cup.

Peace up. A-town down….tunun tunun, tunun tunun…

How not to…

Yo! *throws gangster signs* actually, it’s really the peace sign upside down, yeah you know, the ‘n’ sign. it means “whats up my nigga?” What? it is what i say it is. Dont come all up on TSC and be questioning my authority. who the hell do you think you are? *calms down* Anyway, like i said, it’s a month of guest features, Today, i introduce a new category. Sha read it and you’ll understand it. i don’t have time to explain anything.

Let’s give a sarcastic welcome to @Salliness

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

I saw a tweet from one of my most favourite persons, asking if some people actually need to be sent a memo on how not to be stupid and boy I’ve asked myself the same question over and over ’cause the way people go on with their life you’d think they actually needed it. Then again, if a memo of that sort was to be sent out, how would it read? Anyway, yours faithfully took it upon her to try to actually write one because first of all, I think I’m not stupid. So that should qualify me well enough as to write a memo of this nature, but hey my level of stupidity is not in contest so there you go

*editor’s note* A memo on how not to be stupid can only be written by one who has previous experience and unchallenged expertise on the subject. We shall not contradict your memo. We however believe you are DEFINITELY qualified to teach us. You may proceed o ye stupid one…

FROM: Me (@Salliness)

TO: The world

DATE: Forever

SUBJECT: HOW NOT TO BE STUPID

Well, you can if you really want to...

• Google is your friend.

Seriously if you don’t know something, Google it. If you are not sure of anything; Google it! If you don’t have internet connection around you, phone a friend. Never, ever exhibit your ignorance in public. You are allowed to contribute when there is a discussion going on, however do not go around saying stuff like “so Beyonce named her baby Blue Ivy Carter. I thought JayZ was beefing Lil Wayne.”

*editor’s note* so he isn’t beefing Lil Wayne? I’m sorry if i sound stupid though but how does…you know what, forget it. Let me just Google.

Google can be an ass sometimes tho...

 

• There is no Pulitzer or Nobel Prize for Stupidity.

Hell, I had to Google this just to be sure. You can not be going around displaying stupidity if there isn’t a prize for it or at least a proper record of it for posterity sake. So best be aware that if you are actually trying to be stupid you are not in contest with anyone. You’ll only end up making a fool of yourself. Carry on.

Dear writer, Y U NO Google well?

*editor’s note* I beg to differ here. There are various prizes for stupidity. How can you say it isn’t a contest? You think Mr Ibu just enjoys fooling himself for free? His prize? His pay-check…Nowadays sef, i think a certain GEJ is in contest with him on “So you think you are stupid?”

Oh and in addition to those two, there are these other two ‘humans’ who amuse me with the depth of their shallowness on your TL’s. They aren’t on mine because they’ve been blocked and muted in every way possible. Abeg lemme not get carried away, theirs is a rant for another day. Carry on…

• You are not OBLIGATED to resend every message.

Pardon me, but I just had to re-iterate this. Although it’s actually painful that as over flogged as this issue has been we still find these people among us just like the Bible said about the poor. Do you read or listen to obituaries? Cause of death still carries stuff like ‘died after a brief illness’ ‘or died in an accident’ you know, shit like that. Nobody has ever died from not rebroadcasting a message. I hear its now on instagram as well. I’m really not surprised. Hell, I saw it on my office intranet the other day so I guess like the poor we will always find them among us. *sigh*

*editor’s note* WHAT?? They now broadcast messages on Instagram? Muahahaha…and here i was still recovering from the proliferation of WhatsApp by these broadcast infidels. Noooo. There’s nowhere to run or hide anymore. I guess we should all accept our fate, hold hands and sing kumbaya.

PS: Are you saying broadcasters are poor?

• The ‘Zipper’ hair-do.

Like lace wig wasn’t bad enough, someone had to come up with putting zippers on the hair? The first time I saw that shit was in November last year when I went to pick up my NYSC call up letter from school. I just thought hey, this is Benin; these girls have been colour blocking and rocking bleached stretch marks since 1978 so they have to always come up with something more stupid to keep up with their reputation. Then I got to camp (Lagos; mind you) and I saw a girl carrying it (no, not the same girl from Benin) and then another girl and yet another. Let’s just say that the sight of each of those girls with that hairstyle scarred me deeper.

See why i said we should sing Kumbaya? Kill me already!!!

You will NEVER be taken seriously if you carry that hair and in the next 5 years when I become a billionaire and an employer of labour (in plain terms ‘a bawse’) I hope those girls never come to me for a job interview. Yes sir, the stupidity that (wo) men do, lives (sp?) with them.

*editor’s note* NO, NO, NO!!! You did not just go H.A.M on my Benin ladies. What? “…come up with something more stupid to keep up with their reputation?” I’ll have you know that Benin people are the most travelled and if they start a trend, you might as well accept it ‘cos they know wassup yo. And hey Miss lecturer, imma let you finish but wharrahell is “carry that hair” you see why i said your experience on this topic is priceless? You are even giving us practical examples…sorry #AsyouWere…

• Nollywood films starring Tonto Dike and/or Muna Obiekwe.

It’s as explanatory as it sounds; don’t ever watch a Tonto Dike and/or a Muna Obiekwe ‘feem’. Period. It has been statistically proven, with econometric tools, to have the capability of reducing your IQ to a negative value. Remember Black Berry Babes? Yeah I tried to watch it and couldn’t make past 10 minutes. I’m allergic to stupidity like that.

*editors note* I watch not Nollywood films, so i know not of what you speak. No editor’s note here. Move on…

• The walk of shame.

When you find yourself going against any of the mentioned rules to guide you against stupidity, rather than try to defend yourself [thereby increasing the awkwardness of your situation] please do us all a favour and take a walk of shame. For the benefit of any one who does not know how to do so, acquaint yourself by following the steps below;

1. Bow your head

2. Plaster a sheepish grin on your face

3. With your hands raised above your head

4. Run like hell.

Please be guided.

*editor’s note* Let’s just be honest and say she didn’t know how to end this piece. Yes yes, i know some of you are like “err ok. is she calling US stupid?” what can i say? Game recognises game yeah? Lol…

So yeah, this is sorta new (but it may never feature again) category where you send me your post/articles and i attempt to literally tear it to shreds with stupid editor notes just because i can. My aim is to make you look erm..bad. Not bad as in “guy you too bad kinda bad” but bad as in Victor Ikpeba’s “shhh” factor bad.

So if you’re up to it, the email addy remains mrkelvinis@gmail.com

piss out.

FWB 101

Why hello. Look who’s here. You’re all grown up now *pulls cheeks* Good to have you around. Bla bla friggin bla…the above has nothing to do with the below so just..bla bla whatever.

Yeah, this is how it’s gonna work for this month (I think) I’m gon’ be having me some guests over at TSC. This is because I’m a mess and will be attempting to mess up other blogs I’ll be featuring in. Hence, to balance the order of nature, I’m gon’ leave mine in the hands of those I consider worthy.

From what you’re about to read, you’ll probably decipher or deduce or de-whatever the kinda “people” that will be featuring on here. If you think you’ve got something worth reading, then bring it! No mush please. Visit Bule’s blog for that.

Remember, this is The Sirkastiq Center (TSC) and we really care…did I tell you I’m dating Megan Fox secretly?

******************************************************************************************************************************

Hello, my name is ColorMeCake. If you’re wondering, yes that’s the name my mama gave me. I’m kinda drunk and I just want to talk about something I noticed lately.

Now, for some strange reason, Niggas these days have decided to become emotional creatures and its gross. Left, right and center I see these niggas sleeping with supposed one night stands, and next morning they calling these hos talmbout “Baby why you left before I woke up. Wanna go eat later” As one of these hos I say ‘No bitch. No.”

I see niggas trying to wife bitches who were supposed to be just friends with benefits and I’m like this is not what God intended. This is poor penis management. If I had a penis, I would be managing it right.

I like you guys and I just want to share some tips on your to manage your pussy life better. I know some of you look at me and wonder “How does she do it?” Now you don’t have to wonder anymore.

Now, I hope you’re reading this in the most ghetto accent you can muster. First of, if you’re offended by the words ‘bitch’ ‘pussy’ ‘nigga’ ‘penis’ ‘cock’ ‘dick’ ‘vagina’ then this post is not for you. So bye bitch.

Now, here are 10 simple rules for Friends with benefits

1) Do not store these hos by their names in your phones. Ever. Too intimate. You have ‘Ho 1′ ‘Ho 2′ ‘Ho who can bust a split on the dick’ ‘Suck Dick ho’ ‘Anal ho’

2) Keep your hos well separated. Do not mistakenly try anal with your ‘bust a split on the dick ho’ That might not go well.

3) Don’t fucking ask these hos how their day went. Fuck you care for? Far as you’re concerned. They only exist for one hour a day when they on yo dick.

4) Your phone conversations should not be more than 2 minutes. Tops. Ever. You: “Where you at?” Her: “Home?” You: “Alright, come over right quick” Her: “Ok”. That’s it. If she calls you at 11pm with any thing other than “Is it my turn to come over?” You hang up &delete that hos number.
Talmbout Her: “My day was so hard. My mama had a heart attack *crying* and I just don’t know what to do…” You: “uuuhhh are you coming over for some of this dick though?” Her: “No! My mama. .” You: *Hangs up.* *Deletes that ho’s number*

5) Keep your fucking emotions out your penis. The only thing that should come out your penis is STD free semen. My nig I don’t want to feel your heart beating through your penis. There’s no reason for that.

6) Don’t trust a ho. These are desperate times. Bitches will tell you they on birth control and not be. Double bag that ho. Or watch that ho swallow postinor and keep her for an hour so she can’t throw it back up

7) You should never know what she looks like in the morning. Why? Because both of you should not be on the same bed during that time.

8) If you have a gf or are famous, TAKE THAT HOS PHONE AWAY. Actually don’t. People like you are my saturday/sunday twitter entertainment.

9) . . .

I know I said 10 but fuck you hos. I’m bored & have other shit to do and y’all aint even worth all these boulders of wisdom I’m throwing your way.

Bye bitch.
It’s a beautiful day, Smile

***************************************
Editors Note: I didn’t edit nothing..yes spelling, grammaticall errors and stuff..ehen? Didn’t you read that she’s drunk?

SideBarz

I know you’re here so i don’t see why i should really bother myself with welcoming you. Oh! it’s the courteous thing to do? and who gave you the illusion that i’m a courteous fellow? Harry houdini? You might as well get your ass sat somewhere and let’s get straight into the business of why we are here. Yes. Today, I’m on that ramble shit again, forgive me but it’s all i can do for now till probably i get a wife i can throw all my frustrations on. Since that isn’t about to happen anytime soon, i might as well take it out on you my willing audience. I really don’t have Power IV this shit.

sidebar: In case you’re slower than the speed of dark, the “power IV” phrase is deeper than it seems. can you decipher it?

Moving on jare, all week and some, i’d been thinking of a post to write here, started on some outerviews but they turned out shittier than a toilet bowl at full capacity so i decided to do away with them duhhh.

SHIT!!! LoL

You know how it feels when your brain has gotten to that “cyclic redundancy period?” that time when you shake your head and you can hear the hollowness echo so loudly? Are you mad? if i knew how it felt, would i be asking you? why so shallow minded thus? Of course, we all know the answer to that.

sidebar: I was about to use one of those “are they using your brain matter to season shaki” lines and then i remembered that anyone that still uses such disses is as clueless as goodluck on the issue of Boko and his harem.

Lets die-a-log shall we? or shan't we?

sidebar: If you are also among those intellectual Quotient challenged individuals that say stuff like “jesus be a spark-plug,” I consider you stupid, ignorant, foolish and all that..yeah. It’s my consideration sha. in the end, i still love you.

I still haven’t told you why we are here. You need to chill as i shall get to that in no distant time. By the way, this statement here is quite laced with brilliance. do you know that Distance = Speed x Time . Does this therefore mean that when we say “in no distant time,” we are referring to a merger of Distance and Time? If we attempt to make Speed the subject of the formula, this will result in Distance/Time. so when we say “in no distant time,” we actually mean speedily. You can be wowed here and go ahead and clap. Thanks. Management.

Just so you know...

Seriously now though, while seeking inspiration to write, i found myself listening to Music to kinda ginger me you know. I went from my regular, constant dose of Usher down to the locals back home. While progressing thus, i got to Ice Prince and i found myself laughing so hard at the brilliance and lyrical dexterity exhibited by this fine chap

sidebar: if you believe the above, you must also believe that you were actually born on April 1st. matter of fact, you were. believe that! By the way, do you know that the word ‘irony’ is coined from the yoruba word iró ni which means “it’s a lie” You’re welcome. signed. Management.

So, there i was flooding my intelligence with Ice Prince, seeking inspiration from Lord-knows-where and it just didn’t come. The truth is bitter- Alomo. I hold ice prince responsible for such bars. was he a prisoner in his former life? did he get anally raped often for dropping soapy bars that only get you wet in the eyes?

The result? soapy bars...

That’s how i went for Wax lyrical (which they should re-christen Wack lyrical by the way) and saw the future leaders of this nation dropping what they believe are dope lines. they only qualify as such because they were spat by niggas obviously high on some cheap drugs. what?? “I’m so high – trees!” I kid you not…sigh..Let me enter MI sef..(eyss!! i don’t mean through any opening in his body) What the fuckity fuck was Seven days about? A death sentence? That song only lasted seven days on my phone because i believed that it was gonna magically meta-morph into something beautiful. FA FA FA FAWO!!! Thank God oga Mr Incredible rose the bar again with the 6 foot remix, however, he had to. such height isn’t normally easy to reach by a MIdget. (don’t quote me) -_-

I agree...i knew that 6 foot song was a sub.

Next up on my playlist was Davido and i don’t care if he was caught topless, there’s something about the beats and tunes of the dudes songs. whaaat? There i was on my Dami duro shit and i felt like i was flying and unstoppable, like LASTMA niggas be chasing me and i’m doing 180 on the freeway. damn!  ”and on the beat is davido and i’m driving all the girls crazy yo, enainaninaninananino , enainaninaninananino”

sidebar: I’m confused as to where all this is headed

Ah well, i switched songs and this song came up and COMPLETELY knocked me off my chair. I’m sure a lot of you have seen the video or have it on your phones even. it’s titled “i’m my own grandpa” I went through the hassles of getting the lyrics for you so you can read the complexity of the matter. You can view the video here http://www.metacafe.com/watch/54702/im_my_own_grandpa/

Now many many years ago when I was twenty-three
I was married to a widow who was pretty as can be
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life
For my daughter was my mother ’cause she was my father’s wife
To complicate the matter even though it brought me joy
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him br’ther
Of the widow’s grown-up daughter, who was also my stepmother

Father’s wife then had a son who kept them on the run
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter’s son
My wife is now my mother’s mother and it makes me blue
Because altho’ she is my wife, she’s my grandmother too

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I’m her grandchild
And every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild
For now I have become the strangest case I ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa

Oh I’m my own grandpa
I’m my own granpa
It sounds funny I know,
But it really is so
Oh I’m my own grandpa

Loooool…Talk about a complex family tree, i know some of you here probably have such stories, feel free to share ‘em. Well for those who come to the Rant Avenue looking for sane stuff to read, i’m not sorry but you won’t find it here. you just won’t. this is the avenue for me to…you know what? forget it. There also isn’t need for you to say “dude you’re not well” that’s like saying “water is wet” or “YOU don’t have sense,” its a known fact.

See the problem now, i don’t even know how to end this.

That Stupid Post…

Yay!!! Valentine is over and i live. Oh! You live too! Isn’t that awesome on multi levels and some? Like I mean, we totally scaled that hurdle. Anyway, if you think I’ll waste time, come here and begin to rant about the aftermath of Valentine’s day then you insult me on a subcutaneous level. What do you take me for, one of them let-me-write-something-so-that-they’ll-appreciate-my-genius-people? Yes, matter of fact, that’s who/what i am? Who the hell are you yimuing for? What insolence? How dare thee? Oh! You think because you’re over there behind that screen, I can’t harm you. Is that what you really think? Do you honestly believe that you are safe in the safety of the seemingly safe place you are right this minute? Allow me cure your delusional grandeur and put it to you in not so many a barrage of words that you are nut..sorry Not. There is no distance in the spirit, yes i think a pastor once said that, the problem is i don’t know what exactly he was referring to. Spirit as in spiritual or spirit as in alcohol. You do know that there is no distance in the spirit (alcohol). You can keep going and going. What on earth am i talking about? What’s wrong with me? I think i’ve lost my marbles but then again, did i really have marbles

Oh, there they are...

Can we substitute marbles for balls seeing as most marbles are balls. If i then say i have lost my marbles, does this mean i have lost my balls? Losing one’s balls can be equated to cowardice. But if there’s anything i know, it’s that i’m no coward. Far from it. I’m a bawse. Untouchable mehn…in fact, im a boze.  Boze >>>>>> bawse. At this point we are getting to the crux of this post. What? You don’t understand what i’ve been getting at since you started reading, are you a retard? No seriously, you can’t fathom the artsy, beautiful masterpiece that this post is? Let me put you out of your miserable misery. See each line, take the first words and read it vertically from top to bottom. Oya go…

Get it now? You don’t? Sigh…At this point, i put it to you that you have no right EVER to insult D’prince, Mr Bean or Mr Ibu for demonstrated acts of anti-intelligence. You actually believed that i would sit down and start putting words in vertical sentences to pass a message? What’s strong with you? Like seriously, i’ll do that? I know i’m a genius and all that intellectual stuff, matter of fact, my I.Q drips swagoo and doesn’t decrease in its quotient. Yes yes..don’t hate, appreciate. Why am i perceiving eba? Do you know eba has an unmistakable noticeable scent? It does i tell ya, i’m perceiving it now. But how can eba have a scent? Is it a perfume? This bothers me also. People say “that guy smells good” isn’t the word “smell” associated with just foul odours or did i miss the memo? Then again, don’t all fowls have odours? I’m yet to see any fowl emitting some D&G scents. Men that’ll be some cocky fowl or chic(k) as the case may be.

haha! clowns..

So can anyone tell me why you human beings have decided to bring yourself to the level of poultry by referring to yourselves as cocks and chicks? Such fowl behaviour from you lot. If you’re not poultry today, you’re dogs and female dogs. Do you see where your problems emanate from? The desire to be animals. Why not be mosquitoes and stuff? So you can fly away when shit hits the fan, then again, mosquitoes abhor fans so…Buzz off? Oh now you’re driving me away? Why the flip do you have that confused look on your face? Wait. Wait, Lets even get this straight, what do you want from me, a topic of discussion? Doesn’t TNC cater to that need on a daily, Dafuq does this look like 43 Fafunwa or Betty Tuesdays? I should get A-zed to come carry you away from here. Such piss taking! Oh, you think because you have a BB or Laptop you can just open my link and expect to read something that will entertain you. Am i E!? Do you think i give a rat’s ass about entertaining you? Hold up! I haven’t actually taken time to notice a rat’s ass. Assuming i had tho, I’m sure it won’t be anything worth giving. but then again…

He should know...

One of these days, i intend to write a total palindrome. You know those stories or poems that make sense when read eitherway

yeah. I’ll write such a story..here’s one i did sometime ago on TNC…

I killed her
Yet
I said I loved her
She hurt me
Over and over again
This same scene
It keeps on playing
“Do I not learn?”
“Will I not hear?”
“Can I not see?”
I stare into her eyes
I listen for words unspoken
Her lips, they move
But they utter silence
Passers by,watching, looking
“Say something’ I scream
“Why did you do it?”
I shake her up a bit
I hold her close
She was my angel, my joy source
I shouldn’t have hit her
Now I regret
My emotions got the better of me
She had warned me
“I’m dangerous to love”
“I’m a jealous lover”
Though I loved her
With my own hands
I killed her

That’s a palindrome. read it from bottom or top, it makes sense. This post isn’t a palindrome. Yeah, i guess by this time you must have noticed that this post doesn’t have head or tail. of course it doesn’t. is it a fish? i mean, for real? I thought my readers were brilliant but i’m beginning to seriously doubt this. anyway, i shall put you out of your misery.Oh! the palindrome that was me showing off. Have you heard that stupid song by Bez and Praiz? of course, maybe or maybe not. it doesn’t even matter. How does that even come in to this matter? what’s going on? I’m done.

DISCLAIMER: This post doesn’t have a point but actually, it does, i just  don’t know what it is. It’s one of those moments that i just ..It’s kinda late for this disclaimer isn’t it? yeah, i think so too. So this disclaimer is to make you realize that the post you are about to read is quite meaningless. What? you’ve read it already? oh my bad..so? why are you still here then? I’m a hazard to myself.

Yeah, i know. this was a cool bullshit story.

Cupid/Stupid

*Walks into TSC office and slumps into chair* It’s only the second month of the year and it feels like we’ve been at this struggle all our lives. Well then again, we have. January was the height of financial drainage and just when we thought it was over and we could ease into some peace of mind and financial stability, BOOM!!! Another bomb! Relax, I’m not talking BH aka Boko Haram. By the way, if Benson & Hedges don’t do something fast, they’ll lose that acronym. Sigh…where was I? Oh yes.. BOOM!!! Another bomb, This time from…

*Phone beeps, reads message* SEE?!!!

Help me Lord...

I swear if I get one more broadcast telling me to order cakes and/or flowers, I’ll do so and send it to the broadcaster’s funeral. Nonsense and ingredients!

*@TheFakeEsse walks in to office, smiling like a doofus*

(Mind, the following is an actual conversation between Esse and me.)

Esse: “What’s biting you this beautiful February morning, why is your face all wrinkled up like Taye Taiwo taking a shit?”

Kelvin: “Mtscheew.., I just realised that it’s not yet Uhuru as there’s the Valentine hurdle ahead to cross. I think I’m going to getaway this vals. I can’t with all these Valentine demands. I can’t! Its killing me softly but surely…”

for real tho...

Kelvin: “Ok, Esse explain to me why Vals day exists. As in, what is it for?”

Esse: “Why vals day exists? For Valentine na! Abi what again?” O_o

Kelvin: “Are you well? Who is Valentine? A prophet? And what sort of name is Valentine? Sounds like an Igbo door man.”

Esse: “Well don’t ask me, ask Bobby Valentino, I hear it’s his ancestors that even started it.”

Kelvin: “Sigh…you need help. Whatever, I don’t subscribe to the idea of Valentine. I think it’s a scam to get back at us that escaped buying gifts at Christmas.”

Esse: “Ok seriously, I agree Valentine is a sketchy holiday, but it’s here to stay so you might as well accept it.”

Kelvin: “Sketchy? Add colour jare…”

Esse: “I’m personally suspicious of a holiday that picks a specific day to show ‘love’, but if we are in a ‘working relationship’ and you remember I’m special (even when it’s not vals day) then please by all means! (Who no like better thing?)”

Kelvin: “Typical female behaviour…anyway, lets leave the definitions and all that gooey stuff to TNC and people like Chinelo. So sadly, vals day is here to stay, this depresses me on many levels.”

Esse: ‘Kelvin, your level of ‘aka gumness’ is staggering. How can you be depressed that Vals day is here to stay” 0_o

Kelvin: “You’re obviously high hence your staggering. Why should I be excited about an illegal day set aside for extortion? I’m waiting for the Save Nigeria Group to call for a mass protest and in the name of everything Nigerian, this should be ‘suspended’ too. This is bad. You’re not bothered cos it’s you ladies that benefit. YES I SAID IT!!” :p

Esse: “Well, i agree that a lot of times, ladies get the most out of vals day but what happened to wanting to spoil your woman a little? And don’t even tell me guys get absolutely nothing. I mean, I can sew boubou with all the hymens that are broken/torn every vals day.”

painful truth innit?

Kelvin: “LMAO!!! Spoil who? What is she now? 3 days old akamu? Spoil fire! All the spoiling I’ve been spoiling from January is not real enough?  And for the hymen, you can’t blame us if we meet low women, these things happen. Actually, breaking the hymen is a favour we do, another gift we give. Opening the doorway to a lifetime of pleasure. Bottom line, we get nothing.”

Esse: -_______-  “Looool! You’re looking at this the wrong way Kelvin. Vals day is very symbolic. It’s actually in the little things. A girl like me is fine if you only decide to come home from work early, we watch a movie, eat a really fancy dish that either of us might have made (see what she did here?), or cook it together sef. It’s really the thought that counts.”

Kelvin: Muhahaha…-____-  ” KNOCK KNOCK, WHO’S THERE? THOUGHT. THOUGHT WHO? THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS. MTSCHEEW…NOBODY’S AT HOME.” (Wow, Kelvin. Seriously?! Are you Ali Baba?) See?! Ladies don’t want thoughts, Y’all want Ronaldinho’s hair, Gucci’s bag, Louboutin’s shoes, even phones named after cars…But all we get is BYC vest and oversized boxers or pant sef.”

"Just give me his hair and I'm fine

Esse: “LMAOOOO!!! Any girl that gives you pata is not wishing you well. And seriously Kelv, if you know what you have is the real deal, you’re not going to be trying to impress with phones named after cars. Now i’m not saying be cheap, just be original. You dig?”

Kelvin: “I ain’t no ho.. ” -___-

Esse: “Of course not, you’re just santa’s fave three words. Look, any Alhaji Rafiki can buy me both the car and the phone named after the car. Heck, if I can do some things to Alhaji, and do them well, he will buy me my personal Brazilian that will live in my boys’ quarters and be growing hair that I’ll use.”

Kelvin: O_O “do somethings to Alhaji?” Esse, you’re just a slot…things will just be going inside you anyhow. I’m sorry for you.  Anyway, tell me dear, amuse me if you will with tales of what a lady can get her man for vals..”‘

Esse: “For vals day, in terms of gifts, i think the whole perfume, cufflinks, boxers gig is overplayed. Lol, boxers tho, if I was a guy and my girlfriend buys me boxers, I will give her my singlet (I’m not joking, how can you give someone boxers? Maybe not even better one sef).”

I cant even find my WILLIngness...

Esse: “I think it depends on the couple, do something for him that he enjoys but may not have time to do as he’d like..”

Kelvin: “Hmmm…like taking him out for a 50k dinner yeah?

Esse: “Emmm. Yup! I’ll book the table and he’ll pay for the food.”

Kelvin: -__-  “Typical *spits* whatever sha, I still don’t buy the Vals idea.”

so...this is what i offer. Wanna be my val?

Esse: “OK, I was joking. You can take him to a movie he’s always wanted to see and hasn’t had time. You can buy him a big device like a TV or a Playstation (Or whatever it is that guys want nowadays.) And that’s if you can afford it. Don’t go and do Valentine’s and then later, you cannot eat 3 square meals a day. This is for both the guys and girls. Just be original, that would be my advice to both the ladies and guys getting ready for Vals.”

Kelvin: “Aha! I like the sound of that, though I have a PS already. Anyway, What/who are you doing for the day tho?”

Esse: “I will be doing some hot dude form school. His name is Math.” :-/ :’( #TeamForeverAlone

Esse, Proud Team member since 1973

Esse: *weeps*

Kelvin: “Muahahahaha… Math? To differentiate options and find a suitable one to be integrated with eh? I swear, I have gotten you.”

Esse: “You dey craze, you dey mad, u dey gbongbolo cigar. Dont laugh at me cuz. “

Kelvin: “Who’s your cuz? U need to stop this madness…”

Esse: “OK sorry fam. Bro.” :p

Kelvin: “Wait! you know what? Don’t stop. I am your cuz.. well till the 15th.”

Esse: “Hahahahaha ode. Broke ass negroid -_- How about you? What/who are you doing? (I pity the person, I’m sure you will just give her that orange juice from TNC3 and ugwu salad.) Stingy pulzon.”

Kelvin:  “FUCK you Esse! Yes, all the way from Lagos to Canada or wherever it is you illegally ran to. Mtscheeew…
Well, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ll most likely just lazy at home after work and see a movie (if I can find a clear one to buy in traffic.) (See, ladies? Cheap ass.) As for who I’m doing? I’m not sure as yet. I’m hoping I’ll have volunteers in the comment section. Yeah…
As for what I’ll get her, I’ll give her all the love she can handle in one night. A night of bliss..yes ke..infact, I’ll probably write about how it turned out. Erotica l’omo.”

Esse: Haha. Volunteers. Good luck with that. And about all that fictional pornography you’ve started writing, well, let me just say that liars can never rise up. #KPAKAM

Kelvin: “Oya Esse come and be going (see 9ja lingua at its best) I need to end this post.”

Esse: How rude. After all my help and advice. Mscheww. *Esse exits*
————————————————————————————————————————————-
So that’s it people. I really don’t know what the hell this post was about but if you got anything like a message out of it, to God be the glory.. Vals day is around the corner, You already know my take on it. Some are probably still in doubt as to what they should get and stuff, I handled a class on the matter in my former blog, guys can read that here and here’s one the ladies will like. Pls do read.

Ok I’ll probably see those of you that survived the day when the next post goes up. Till then, I still don’t give a hoot about Valentine. Yeah (o) su mi.

Did you get that? *sigh*™ I thought as much.